Broken
It's certainly not a secret that I've struggled with depression most of my life. I went on national radio to talk about it. I made it one of the themes of my personal statement for medical school applications.
When I did the NPR and Only Human pieces, the reporter insisted I avoid my last name to 'protect my identity'. Sorry Amanda, that cat's BEEN out of the bag. She even looked at the applications for medical licenses, she worried about the impact on my future career. Yes, You can be denied a medical license for a history of depression.
Even though the depression rates among resident doctors is estimated to be about 29%. The stigma is THAT real, that strong, and the advocate that I am I choose to fight it.
But more than that, my depression is a part of me. It's been a part of me since my childhood, it has taught me resiliency and strength in a way no other challenge has. Seeking medical help as a 'successful adult' was the ultimate experience of humility. Dealing with episodes brings me to my spirituality. These values are at my core, and thus, so is the illness that made that possible.
I once had a conversation with my doctor who thought the fact that I considered my depression a part of my identity suggested I may have a personality disorder. Maybe it is, but the whole inspiration of this project is that my personality is too broad, too everywhere, even official personality tests couldn't pin it down. Of course I am much more than my depression and I'm certainly not suggesting everyone should look at their depression as part of their identity. But for me it is, and this blog is for me.
When I did the NPR and Only Human pieces, the reporter insisted I avoid my last name to 'protect my identity'. Sorry Amanda, that cat's BEEN out of the bag. She even looked at the applications for medical licenses, she worried about the impact on my future career. Yes, You can be denied a medical license for a history of depression.
Even though the depression rates among resident doctors is estimated to be about 29%. The stigma is THAT real, that strong, and the advocate that I am I choose to fight it.
But more than that, my depression is a part of me. It's been a part of me since my childhood, it has taught me resiliency and strength in a way no other challenge has. Seeking medical help as a 'successful adult' was the ultimate experience of humility. Dealing with episodes brings me to my spirituality. These values are at my core, and thus, so is the illness that made that possible.
I chose 'broken' and not depressed. Depressed is a mood, Depression is an illness. A pathology. A sickness. In a biological way: My brain is broken. Beautifully broken.
And broken really is the way you feel in the midst of a depression episode:
I once had a conversation with my doctor who thought the fact that I considered my depression a part of my identity suggested I may have a personality disorder. Maybe it is, but the whole inspiration of this project is that my personality is too broad, too everywhere, even official personality tests couldn't pin it down. Of course I am much more than my depression and I'm certainly not suggesting everyone should look at their depression as part of their identity. But for me it is, and this blog is for me.
Maybe this will eventually blow up on my face. Maybe it’ll bite me in the butt and no-one will hire me for saying I struggle with depression, but that’s a leap I’m willing to take.
When I chose medicine, I chose to give myself to healing, I brought those values with me. They're values I bring to my patients and myself to face the hard times of this field. By acknowledging my 'brokeness' I think it makes me help those that come to me broken themselves. And that I will never regret living by.
